She is 1 Today (Saylor)

Today is a day that I have been dreading.

Today Sayor is 1.

 

I almost decided not to blog about this today, about Saylor. But this is such a big part of my heart. Having her then losing her changed me in a profound way. This is one of the events in life that shape you and your future. Also, I hope someday to really be able to help woman who have adopted, want to adopt and also birth mothers. Adoption is a BIG part of who we are. Our lives have come to revolve around the miracle of adoption since Colt and Lilly came into our family. Also, I  want Lilly to know how much her bio-sister is loved and that we fought to keep them together. I want Saylor someday to know this as well.

 

It is so difficult to picture her as a toddler. In my minds eye she is still a tiny baby. Her newborn clothes still swallow her.

 

I wonder if she is walking yet. What her favorite toy is. What her giggle sounds like.

 

I still sometimes find myself trying to picture what our life would be like if we still had her. Would she and Lilly be the sister's I dreamed them to be. What it would be like to see them playing together. To see them dressed in their matching outfits. 

 

 

 

Honestly there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her. I have a couple of friends who had baby girls right before and right after Saylor was born. Every time I read a blog post or see their girls on Facebook I find my self trying to picture Saylor at those stages. 

 

I know she would be adored by her big brothers just the same as Lilly is. I can almost see Oliver in his gentle, loving way teaching her to walk. And I know Colt would love kissing her tummy to make her giggle the way he does Lilly.

 

 

 Last year around this time I had so many plans for today. I was already dreamed of a pink and blue nautical birthday party. A big celebration of the first year of her life.

 

I wish that in the time we had her that I would of taken more pictures.

And a part of me wants so badly to see what she looks like now. But honestly I do not know if I could handle it.

 

It is so hard to explain the feeling of the loss of a child  through a failed adoption. I do not even understand the emotions I have. It is so strange to grieve a child who is still alive. I guess the best way to put it is that even though she is still alive, the child that she would of been isn't. That is the baby I grieve. The sweet girl who would of grown up with adoring mother and father. Three beautiful big sisters and two protective big brothers. The girl who would of had a beautiful home. A sweet bedroom filled with toys and not to mention a great wardrobe and more bows then she would ever wear:) The girl who would of had gone to private school. Who would of had all the dance, music, cheer leading and gymnastic classes or what ever else she desired. Who would of had the life of a princess. Most important I grieve the little girl who would of been protected and cherished. Who would of grown up knowing that she was a gift. That would of grown up to love the Lord and serve Him.

 

I worry about her. I know for now she is safe. She is with a her Great Grandmother. Her (so called) mother is living on the streets. Using drugs. A few weeks ago we learned she was arrested with felony charges. But as she grows, I still worry about her and her future. Her Grandmother is almost 70 and is raising her 4 year old great grandson also. How long will she be able to care for these children? What kind of long term future can she offer? Both her daughter and granddaughter (the children's mother) turned out to be drug addicts. Living on the street. In trouble with the law . (Not the best track record on raising girls) I pray every day this is not our sweet girls fate. That somehow she will pull her self out of that type of life. I pray somehow she becomes the woman she would of if we raised her.

 

I miss her so much still. I know I always will. There will always be a void in our hearts. She was only a little over 4 weeks when she became ours. She was only ours for two weeks. But in those two weeks she totally we all fell head over heels in love with her. I ache to hold her again. To smell her sweet head:) I miss her with all my heart.

 

 

One of the things that make me the saddest is that this little girl is missing out on having the best Daddy you could ever dream of.

 

 

But with all the sadness I can't help to look at how blessed we are to still have Lilly. Lilly and Saylor are bio-logical half sisters. With what happened with Saylor, it makes us having Lilly even seem like more of a miracle. They could of just as easily changed their minds with Lilly. Every time I see our sweet little girl smile I am over come with gratitude and thankfulness that she is ours and that she is safe and actually has a future.

 

One of these days when we meet Saylor ( now known as Serenity ) I want her to know how loved she is. That in a corner of my heart she has always been my daughter and that she has always been covered in prayer. No matter who she becomes, she has always been loved. I pray that she beats all the odds and grows into the amazing young woman that I dreamed of her being. That she and Lilly will some day be able to be sister's.

 

In my heart I feel like there is another baby for our family (even though none could take Saylor's place) but at this time I do not know if I have the emotional strength to go through all this again. I know that God is in control and if there is one more baby boy or girl out there meant to be ours that He will bring them to us. Adoption is the most beautiful experience you can have. But it is also the most gut wrenching, emotional roller coaster you can imagine.

 

 

 Happy Birthday Saylor Grace.

We will always love you!