Missing Her....

I haven't posted about Saylor for a while now.It is not because I don't think about her.

I do. 

A hundred times a day. 

Every thing reminds me of her. Every joyful moment has a cloud over it because our littlest is not here with us to experience it.

 A perfect example is we took the littles to the Pumpkin Patch last week end (post coming soon). Saylor was suppose to be there. I had planned it all those months ago. I had preordered the girls matching smocked out fits just for this day. 

I actually put going off almost to long. They were down to under 15 pumpkins.

But I knew I would regret not going and making these memories with my three.

 So we went.

I look at the pictures and I know my heart was not in it. 

There are days I still feel like I am going through the motions. Just trying to get to the next.

I know my daughter is still alive out there. But she is not "Saylor" any longer. I do not know if she is safe or being taken care of. 

I think so many of my friends an family really just do not understand what I am feeling. We only had her a few weeks. But she was mine the first moment I found out about her. I was in love the first moment I held her. 

Honestly, I do not know how to grieve. I do not know how to let go.

Her crib is still in Lilly's room  

The room these two sisters where suppose to share. 

Where they were suppose to grow up together.

Where they were suppose to share their dreams and biggest secrets and where they were suppose to have their biggest fights.

I have not been able to tear it down.I think there is a part of me that hopes she will come back. Somehow her birth mom will realize she is safer here.  But I know i need to. It is a constant reminder of what is missing. I know I have to stop focusing on that missing piece and focus on all we have.

A beautiful, grown, daughter in Colorado. A sweet step daughter across town and the two most handsome little boys and the most amazing (almost) two year old on the planet.

But can some one tell me how I am suppose to mourn a child that is still a live. A baby, though not  by law, will always be my baby girl. She is almost 6 months and I do not know what she looks like now. I do not know what her accomplishments are. I will never see her walk or hear her laugh. 

Oh how I wish I would of taken more pictures and videos.

I know that no matter how full my arms and heart are there will be a empty spot that only Saylor could of filled. 

My sweet Sayor.. You might never know me. You might never know of the love I have for you. But I will never forget you. The way your sweet body felt in my arms. She smell of your baby breathe. The sound of your cry. I cherish every moment I had as your Mommy. I will always love you. I will always pray for you.  My biggest hope is that somehow you will always hear my voice and  remember the things I whispered to you the last time I help.  That you will be kept safe and some how know you are better then the environment you are being raised in.  That you will except Jesus into your heart and with His help that you will have a happy, beautiful life.  Someday I hope to meet you again and hold you just once more. No matter how big you get, you will always be my Saylor baby.

lLove you always

Mommy