Learning to live without Saylor
It has been three weeks since we lost baby Saylor. I still miss her so SO so much. In just such a short time she took over a big part of my heart. I feel like I buried a baby. I guess in away I did. Even though she is still alive she is not Saylor any longer. Her future has changed and I am afraid it is for the worse. The little girl and woman she would of been was killed the night that those awful people came to get her. I just do not know how to grieve for her. I know some people think I am silly for being so upset. She was never REALLY ours, at least not yet. To these people I say that they must not know what it is really like to love a child.
I am so thankful for my friends and family who have been so understanding. I love them even more for this. Specially thankful for my husband. I know that this was hard on Jeff also. It was hard to see me hurt. He felt so helpless. I am so grateful to him that he put up with me and my moods. I have not been myself in the past three weeks. I was horrible the first two. I was just going through the motions of everyday life trying to get to the next day. I would put the babies down for a nap and only then, when I was alone would I cry. I feel horrible because I know I was less a wife, mother and friend during this time. I am starting to feel more normal again. I still miss my littlest princess and I know I always will. But I have to keep focused on what wonderful blessings that we have.
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| This is the last picture I took of Saylor right before we had to give her back |
I am so thankful for my friends and family who have been so understanding. I love them even more for this. Specially thankful for my husband. I know that this was hard on Jeff also. It was hard to see me hurt. He felt so helpless. I am so grateful to him that he put up with me and my moods. I have not been myself in the past three weeks. I was horrible the first two. I was just going through the motions of everyday life trying to get to the next day. I would put the babies down for a nap and only then, when I was alone would I cry. I feel horrible because I know I was less a wife, mother and friend during this time. I am starting to feel more normal again. I still miss my littlest princess and I know I always will. But I have to keep focused on what wonderful blessings that we have.
" And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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