Heartbreake

As you know we were so blessed to have a beautiful baby girl brought into our family almost two weeks ago. It is amazing how fast our lives changed.

 Our nights became shorter.

 Our house became smaller.

 Our hearts became bigger.

Over the weekend we traded Ollie's larger room and Lilly's room so we would have the space for two cribs. I washed, ironed and folded all of Saylor's clothes. We had her newborn pictures made. We talked about all of our hopes and dreams for her.

Then....
The unthinkable happened. The mother changed her mind and wanted the baby back. She brought the father into the picture and there was so many threats against our family. We made the heart braking choice to hand the baby back over. We could not see letting our other children become even more attached and then lose her. We were falling in love with her more and more with every minute that she was with us and knew 6 months or 1 year down the road it would even be more difficult to lose her. The fight that we would have on our hands would tear our family apart and keep us from caring for our kids the way we need to. This choice did not come easy. There was a lot of prayer and a lot of tears. We miss her so much. To be honest.. I am beyond heartbroken.
Today I am packing up all her clothes. All the baby equipment. I will be taking down her crib tonight. I am grieving for this baby. I miss the feel of her in my arms so much. The way she curls up on my shoulder. The sound of her sweet cry.

But....
I remain thankful for what I have. I know God has blessed our home beyond measure. I am so thankful that we did not lose Colt or Lilly in the same way and that I will always be their mother. I am thankful that we have Ollie. For my step daughter, Brenna. I am thankful for my beautiful daughter Sara and the past 20 years of being her Momma.
Saylor Grace will always be my baby girl. I will always love her and pray for her. I will always worry for her because I know the life she is going to have is not going to be a good one. There is a reason for everything. I know that there is a reason why God brought this angel into our lives and our homes. I do not know what that reason is, but I will trust in Him.

I will cherish the little bit of time that I got to be this babies Mommy.

I am so thankful for my wonderful friends. I am really blessed to have such a great support system. Even through this most difficult time I can see Gods hand on me. My niece Makayla was staying a couple of nights with us. At only 16 she was such a great support. Poor girl is almost as heartbroken as me and Jeff but she dove in and  really helped with the kids and helped keep my mind off of things. I honestly do not know how I would of made it with out her. Then my friend (sister is a better word for her) came over. Dana helped move furniture into Brenna's new room and just made it better by being with me. Missy came to check on me. My husband has been my rock. I can feel God's love through each of them. The friends I have told so far have been a great support. Just my babies hugs bring me peace. We are not going to give up adding to our family. And even though no baby will ever replace Saylor,  Jeff and I both feel that God has one more baby for us. 

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths ... I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16