thoughts...
It has been a week and a half since I have had my surgery. I am feeling better, but still weak. I miss being able to do the normal day to day things. Just going out to eat with the family or fixing my hair wears me out.
I have had a lot of down time. Time to think. There is something about almost dieing that makes you look at things different.
I have found myself missing the old me at time. The self centered, vained all consumed me.
Ok.. maybe not exactly. I just miss taking care of myself. I miss looking and feeling pretty. Being a mom is amazing but it takes a toll on ones looks.
What I realized the most is...
Nothing in life makes me happier then being a mommy.
The last 2 and a half years since Oliver first came to live with us in October of 2008.
This picture was taken out side of the courthouse in Lubbock right after the judge gave custody of Oliver to Jeff. It always makes me smile knowing that this is the day God gave me my first son.
Then March 2009 God gave us our second son. Colt's birth was one of the most amazing day of my life. It did not matter that he did not grow in my belly, he grew in my heart. He was worth the 17 year wait!!
This picture was taken of Colt when he was just a day old. Have you ever seen such a beautiful newborn?
And then 21 months later our third miracle happened. Lilly was born December 6 of 2010. We where just amazed that we where blessed with another baby. We had decided not to pursue another adoption but both had a strong desire for one more. Our family just did not feel complete. But then came along our little princess. At one look this sweet girl had her daddy wrapped around her finger and her mommy thrilled to have a shopping buddy. Lilly completed our family and filled my heart.
Sweet Lilly was just 2 days old in this picture. Don't you just love the bow!!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I am anymore. I want to crawl back in bed.
This is the old me. Can you believe I thought I was fat...lol..
Where is my perfect pedicure, my beautiful nails and my all important tan? Where did these dark circles under my eyes come from.. O yeah, I have not had a full nights sleep in over 2 years. Will I ever have energy to to go to the gym again?
My clothes have PP&J smeared, baby food and what I really hope is chocolate smeared on them.
My so cute and loved Mercedes??? The hubs is driving it now while I am driving a huge, ugly mom-mobile. And the nights out with the girls has been changed to family game night in with the babies.
The strange thing is even though I am not as pretty or well put together as I was a little over two years ago; And I not nearly as cool as I once was... I like me more then ever before.
I am exausted almost everyday and my house is never clean, but I truly would not have it any way.
I would not change any of it. OK, I would have super energy and be able to fit back into my size 2's again. I would love to looklike the girl in that picture and still be able to put my family first.
But my sweet angels' hugs and smiling faces have made me more fufilled then anything ever in my life. I am so thankful to God to give me another chance at being a Mommy.
I realize there will always be time to lose the extra LBs and the house will always need cleaning.
But as I laid in the hospital and every one was telling me that I almost did not wake up what my first thoughts where was Sara, Oliver, Colt and Lilly.
Even though she does not need me as much any more...I want to see Sara get married and have chidren.
Oliver could not handle another mother leaving him. He is so clingy to me and before the surgery had a real fear that I would die. I made a promise never to leave him and even if not my fault, it would hurt him so deep if that promise is not kept.
And my sweet babies... They would of never known me. Never hve known how bad I had wanted them. I would of never seen what type of people they would become. The thought of someone else, specialy if Jeff was to remarry is heartbreaking to me.
Of course, if I would of not made it and Jeff remarried, I would of haunted them to make sure the kids where taken care of right:)
I have had a lot of down time. Time to think. There is something about almost dieing that makes you look at things different.
I have found myself missing the old me at time. The self centered, vained all consumed me.
Ok.. maybe not exactly. I just miss taking care of myself. I miss looking and feeling pretty. Being a mom is amazing but it takes a toll on ones looks.
What I realized the most is...
Nothing in life makes me happier then being a mommy.
The last 2 and a half years since Oliver first came to live with us in October of 2008.
Then March 2009 God gave us our second son. Colt's birth was one of the most amazing day of my life. It did not matter that he did not grow in my belly, he grew in my heart. He was worth the 17 year wait!!
And then 21 months later our third miracle happened. Lilly was born December 6 of 2010. We where just amazed that we where blessed with another baby. We had decided not to pursue another adoption but both had a strong desire for one more. Our family just did not feel complete. But then came along our little princess. At one look this sweet girl had her daddy wrapped around her finger and her mommy thrilled to have a shopping buddy. Lilly completed our family and filled my heart.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I am anymore. I want to crawl back in bed.
This is the old me. Can you believe I thought I was fat...lol..
Where is my perfect pedicure, my beautiful nails and my all important tan? Where did these dark circles under my eyes come from.. O yeah, I have not had a full nights sleep in over 2 years. Will I ever have energy to to go to the gym again?
My clothes have PP&J smeared, baby food and what I really hope is chocolate smeared on them.
My so cute and loved Mercedes??? The hubs is driving it now while I am driving a huge, ugly mom-mobile. And the nights out with the girls has been changed to family game night in with the babies.
The strange thing is even though I am not as pretty or well put together as I was a little over two years ago; And I not nearly as cool as I once was... I like me more then ever before.
I am exausted almost everyday and my house is never clean, but I truly would not have it any way.
I would not change any of it. OK, I would have super energy and be able to fit back into my size 2's again. I would love to looklike the girl in that picture and still be able to put my family first.
But my sweet angels' hugs and smiling faces have made me more fufilled then anything ever in my life. I am so thankful to God to give me another chance at being a Mommy.
I realize there will always be time to lose the extra LBs and the house will always need cleaning.
But as I laid in the hospital and every one was telling me that I almost did not wake up what my first thoughts where was Sara, Oliver, Colt and Lilly.
Even though she does not need me as much any more...I want to see Sara get married and have chidren.
Oliver could not handle another mother leaving him. He is so clingy to me and before the surgery had a real fear that I would die. I made a promise never to leave him and even if not my fault, it would hurt him so deep if that promise is not kept.
And my sweet babies... They would of never known me. Never hve known how bad I had wanted them. I would of never seen what type of people they would become. The thought of someone else, specialy if Jeff was to remarry is heartbreaking to me.
Of course, if I would of not made it and Jeff remarried, I would of haunted them to make sure the kids where taken care of right:)
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